In The Beginning
Dream Huge & Step Out of the Shadows
You don’t need anyone’s permission to smile!
| Hello, my name is Janet and you are probably wondering where the name Flaming Daisies came from. Before getting to my story, let me explain. My dream car would be an eggplant purple PT Cruiser with custom airbrushed, laughing, flaming 60's style daisies on the side along with spinners on the wheels. I've been dreaming of that for years! My kids think it's great since my age is past the half-century mark and I have always been a little eccentric and a whole lot creative. I don't have the Cruiser (yet) so I designed the Daisy, made a little bumper sticker and put her on my current car. I hope it makes people smile when they see it. So, that's where she came from originally. The day that I realized I could step out of the shadows, feel the sun on my face, and not be invisible anymore was a turning point. When I decided there was a need for this website, Flaming Daisies was a natural choice. I'm proud to be a peaceful but enthusiastic Flaming Daisy and want other victims and survivors of domestic abuse to feel the same way! | |
In 1996 I freed myself of a 22 yr abusive relationship and understand how hard it is and how these brave women need a safe haven and understanding. To be able to set up this endeavor and actually make a difference is a dream come true. Personally, it is much more important and gratifying than sitting in a cubicle in corporate America. The line, "Can you tell the difference between cold comfort and shame?" had been clamoring for attention much like a small child tugging on my sleeve and was the final impetus for this project.
Confusing Cold Comfort with Shame - Moving Away From Domestic Abuse
”The difference between cold comfort and shame”… that phrase ran through my head for years after hearing Pink Floyd’s song ‘Wish You Were Here’ a long time ago. It helped me to clarify how, in order to survive an abusive relationship we may subvert our own feelings and desires and try to imagine that crumbs of normalcy are actually special, large helpings of love. After the divorce I talked to other women and realized there is a huge sorority of sad women and an equally large fraternity of controlling men in our society.
The trouble is, with our society’s general views of not getting involved in domestic disputes, most of these women think they are unique in their situations and, as a result, often feel a great (and unnecessary) sense of guilt and shame. That is a big part of the problem and where the phrase ‘Silence protects Violence’ comes from. If someone is held a prisoner, their captor sure doesn’t want them to have contact with any outside sources. For years my husband said that he didn’t want me to have a job because, if I did, I might leave him. Of course, he also always said that he was just kidding. That went along with his favorite saying of, “If you’re not in control of the situation, someone else is,” which he drummed into us on an almost daily basis. I did some research and found it a great eye-opener reading about ‘Stockholm Syndrome’, where hostages begin to sympathize with and may actually come to believe that they love their captors in order to survive. It really helps to understand why, as a survival technique, many battered spouses behave as they do even after the situation has become dangerous and possibly life threatening.
Counseling was a phenomenal help! I highly recommend it. Look for sources like family counseling, local women’s shelters, and court-appointed therapists, etc. I was in group therapy with other women and personally feel the interaction was wonderful for all of us. Therapy moved us past the blame games and pity parties and provided a constructive framework on which to rebuild our confidence and sense of self-worth.
It is vitally important for any of us who have gotten out of an abusive relationship as well as anyone who knows of someone in such a relationship to do our best to help by lending a sympathetic ear, providing information and helpful contacts, and generally shining a hopeful light into the sorrowful shadows of Domestic Violence and Abuse.
© Janet L. Burgar, November 2008
My background is varied: military brat, former officer’s wife, mother of two great kids, grandmother, floral designer, skills with lots of different handcrafts, retail sales, secretary, personal assistant for a ‘nutty professor’ type, customer service, and fraud prevention specialist. I want to put all that experience together now to help shine a light on the dirty little secret called Domestic Violence. I feel that, if I have the capability, I owe it to these women to try to help out.